Actions speak louder than words. And that’s how it is with me. I’m SO sick and tired of guys telling I’m pretty and blah blah blah. Thanks for the compliment and all but that doesn’t mean anything. Then they’re surprised I’m surprised or didn’t I know they liked me. Because they don’t ACT like they do. I’m so over sweet talkers. I’ve learned and still learning not get lost in their words or showers of compliments. One day I’ll meet a guy that just chew on his words but actually carries through with what he says.
The one where it’s all like ” just because one guy has hurt you, doesn’t mean others will”. It’s along those ideas however it goes. I was just thinking how hard that actually is to do. After today I realized it’s not as easy as it sounds. To let go of that pain or for most people and my case…the multiple pain you’ve been through. Specially when each time you’ve approached a relationship or a potential relationship with an open hurt just to find out it’ll turn out like the rest of them. Leaving you hurt deeply. That’s what I’m having a hard time with. To not shut down and not have open heart for the next person. I don’t trust myself too much anymore cause every time I give the benefit of the doubt it turns out bad. It’s hard to not bring my guard back up and rebuild that brick wall back in front of me that was already torn down so many times.
I hate being last pick in friendships but I guess everyone goes through it. It’s like you’re good friends with someone but they have other friends they pick over you or they ask them to hang out and if they’re unavailable you are last pick. Also when they know they don’t have anyone else to hang out with they ask you. I don’t think I do that. There is a friend that I would ask to hang just because I had no one else to hang out with. I do it cause most of all I want to spend time with them. Point is I’m sick of it. I’m tired of some my friends taking me for granted. I know one particularly who does it all the time. And now that everyone is gone. She asks me to hang out more than she has in the last year. One of my best friends I feel like she takes me for granted too. She keeps saying she wants hang out but never goes through with it. It’s like she puts everything before me. Like I’ll propose something but she’ll say she can’t. I don’t mind that she can’t but I hate when people say no. Yet make no effort to find a day that’s convenient for both parties. I mean I can go on and on about the different situations I’m in but it just gets tiring. My philosophy is that it takes two to make a relationship work. I’m gonna try and if I don’t get feedback I’m done. I don’t chase after people. Can’t wait till I leave and meet new people.
This past month I learned a lot of things about life. Things aren’t always what they seem and they don’t always don’t tuen out the way you want it to. It’s hard getting over the realization that the dream you always wanted won’t get to happen. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. But I hope I’ll get there soon.